Blake left me a good few months ago. It was painful but I tried hard not to mourn to theatrically. In truth though we'd been everywhere together and I made some of my life's biggest decisions with him at my side. There were times when I felt that he was my only constant in life. I admit too, that there where other times when I would reject his biting sense of humor, his innate ability to get me to dance and the sensual lyrics he all to confidently murmured in my ear. Sometimes, I just didn't want to hear it. And I know I hurt him, dropping him like a toy at every corner then expecting him to function like normal when I picked him back up. It really always was my fault. But he was always there waiting for me, loyal but proud and always in that ratty, white, suede jacket that I came to adore.
When I lost Blake, it was sudden but a long time coming. This time there was no way I could fix it. And I wanted only that he rest, free of his once devoted obligation to me. I found solace quickly though. Too quickly, in My Juliet, a friend of my boyfriends. I'll skip the build up here and tell you that I clung to her. In an unconscious effort to drown out the unequivocal silence that rapped devoutly from Blake's absence, I took from her more that I should have, and I think toward the end there, I tried to make her mine. But before I could realize what I was doing wrong, I lost her too. I lost her for both of us and with regret and humility I had to explain to my boyfriend that it was I that drove her away. And I had no explanation. I never saw it coming. One day she was just gone. The worst part though was that my boyfriend went and didn't even get mad at me for it. Well at least he didn't show it. He just tensed those dusted on eyebrows of his in a way that said "Hey, we still have each other... and Mac."
But today, she came back. Like nothing I found her nestled comfortably with a gang of sunflower seeds between the cushions of our new kelp couch, and still with enough juice for a few hours worth of play lists.
I am relieved to say the least. And I feel that I have a second chance to tell her and my boyfriend how grateful I am for the music they've shared. I'm very happy too, that she has chosen Brazilian Girls (the first one) to accompany us on what I think will be our last writing sesh together. And I couldn't have asked for a more appropriate way for me to say goodbye to Blake, my partner in crime and first one to ever make me feel that music was just as much for everyone, as it was exclusively for me.
I'll miss you my friend.